


Who cares if one more Heart gives out?

by Striding_Feather



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Diary/Journal, Gen, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21513328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Striding_Feather/pseuds/Striding_Feather
Summary: "Is there something I can do to change your mind?""No."
Relationships: Jane Crocker & Dirk Strider
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

November 11th, 2420.

I’ll cut to the chase: I honestly don’t see the point in writing this. It’s sad that the closest thing to a conversation I ever had is making a fuckin journal. I don’t exactly have anything else to look forward to, other than starving in a few years.

Actually, before I get ahead of myself,

Let’s start from the beginning.

My name is Dirk Strider. I’m going to be 11 years old on December 2nd, and I already don’t have anything to live for.

I live in an apartment in the middle of the ocean. My only source of food is the supplies my brother left me. My brother is dead. A laughing, moving puppet raised me.

Like I just said (wrote?), I have nothing to live for. Everybody’s dead too. Even if there are survivors, I don’t think any of them know I exist.

I’m writing this for anyone that might discover this place far in the future. It’s not much, but it should give you an idea of what I’ve been going through.

What happened to me afterwards?

If you’re reading this, chances are I’m already dead too.

I’m going to jump off the roof on my birthday.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

* * *

November 13th, 2420.

I checked the food supply, out of curiosity. At the rate I’m eating, I’m pretty sure I will run out in about 5 years. Soda will last longer, but I’m getting tired of it. What does water taste like?

Also, to fix a mistake I made in my last entry: Cal doesn’t move by himself. He needs my help to do so. The laughing isn’t real either, as he doesn’t have a voice box. I’m not sure why I was trying to imply he was alive. I wish he was though. I wouldn’t be all alone then.

* * *

November 14th, 2420.

I found something I could gather water in. Now I just need to find a long enough rope.

* * *

November 15th, 2420.

I got the water. I never realised just how stretchy smuppets are.

* * *

November 15th, 2420. Entry 2.

That was awful. I should get rid of the salt if I get a chance to do this again.

* * *

November 16th, 2420.

I felt sick for a bit this morning. It might have been the water. I almost wish I could have died then. I wouldn’t have to wait for the date I chose to end all of this. Sometimes I think if I should just do it right now. Just take a sword and stab myself. But I’m always too scared to try.

* * *

November 20th, 2420.

Before you ask, no, nothing interesting happened during this gap. I mostly slept and stayed in my bed for several days, as I didn’t feel like doing anything else. Trust me, you didn’t miss anything important.

I’m realizing that I really don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish here. Seriously, why did I waste three entries on describing how I got saltwater? Nobody cares bro. 

* * *

November 24th, 2420.

I’ve been fruitlessly writing about my plan to forums, knowing full well that nobody would answer. I guess I just wanted some comfort in knowing I left some kind of mark on the world, no matter how small and insignificant.

* * *

November 25th, 2420.

I got a message on Pesterchum. I don’t understand. Who’s still alive out there? How did they find me?

I think,

I’ll reply.


	2. Chapter 2

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **began pestering** **timaeusTestified [TT]** **at 10:25**

**GG: Hello!**

**GG: Are you alright there?**

**TT: Who are you?**

**GG: Please, call me Jane.**

**GG: I know we don’t know each other very well, but I really need to talk to you.**

**GG: Is that ok with you?**

**TT: Sure, whatever.**

**GG: I’ve just been wondering about something.**

**GG: (or i guess worrying)**

**TT: Is this about my posts?**

**GG: I**

**GG: Well**

**GG: Yes, yes, it is.**

**GG: You said you were... Planning to commit suicide?**

**TT: That’s correct.**

**GG: Dear, is there somebody you can ask for help?**

**GG: Anyone?**

**TT: No.**

**GG: Are you sure? No family or teachers?**

**TT: I’m an orphan,**

**TT: And I don’t go to school.**

**GG: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.**

**TT: It’s fine.**

**GG: I’m just...**

**GG: Listen, I know we’re pretty much strangers, but do you mind talking just a little bit?**

**GG: We don’t need to talk about... That. We can just get to know each other! :B**

**TT: I guess it couldn’t hurt.**

**GG: Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?**

**GG: What’s your name?**

**TT: Dirk.**

**GG: It’s nice to meet you Dirk!**

**TT: Uh-uh.**

**GG: Is there anything you like doing, Dirk? I like puzzles and baking, personally.**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: I like robots and puppets,**

**TT: And drawing, kinda.**

**GG: That’s nice!**

**GG: Could you show me some of your drawings?**

**GG: If that’s alright with you, of course!**

**TT: Sorry, no.**

**TT: They’re a bit,**

**TT: Personal,**

**TT: Yeah.**

**GG: Oh. Ok. I understand.**

**GG: Then maybe you could draw us?**

**TT: Us?**

**GG: Yup, me and you! Just hanging out.**

**TT: I think I can do that, alright.**

**TT: Uh,**

**TT: What do you look like?**

**GG: Oh, right!**

**GG: I’m a little short, I have black short hair, blue eyes, and I wear oval glasses.**

**GG: Oh and I have little buck teeth! :B**

**TT: I’ll see what I can do.**

**GG: Gotcha!**

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **is now an idle chum.**

**GG: Um, can I ask you something?**

**TT: Shoot.**

**GG: Do you live alone?**

**GG: And I mean completely alone.**

**TT: Yes.**

**GG: Oh my goodness.**

**GG: How?**

**TT: There’s not a lot of people around to notice a kid living in an abandoned apartment.**

**TT: Also, I have food here,**

**TT: And some movies I guess.**

**GG: That... doesn’t sound very fun.**

**TT: Yeah, no shit.**

**TT: That’s why I don’t want to live anymore.**

**TT: It’s not some fuckin coincidence.**

**GG: ...**

**GG: ...**

**TT: What?**

**GG: Could you please not be so casual about that?**

**GG: I know you already planned everything and probably don’t care that much anymore, but I care.**

**GG: And it makes me really sad when you say things like that.**

**TT: ...**

**TT: Alright.**

**TT: Fine.**

**TT: I won’t do it again.**

**GG: Promise?**

**TT: Yeah, promise.**

**GG: Thank you.**

**TT: Anyway,**

**TT: I finished the picture.**

**TT:** [ **https://pasteboard.co/IHzsY1q.png** ](https://pasteboard.co/IHzsY1q.png)

**GG: Aww, that’s so sweet!**

**GG: Is that you in those silly shades? :B**

**TT: Silly?**

**GG: Oh, I’ve just never seen glasses like that before!**

**GG: Silly wasn’t the best word to use, I’m sorry.**

**TT: They’re supposed to be cool, but whatever.**

**TT: And yes, that is me.**

**GG: I said I’m sorry!**

**TT: I know.**

**GG: :/**

**GG: Oh dear.**

**TT: What is it now?**

**GG: I have to go, my dad’s telling me to come downstairs.**

**GG: Can we talk again tomorrow?**

**TT: Why?**

**GG: ?**

**TT: You’ve been dragging this conversation all on your own, why do you still want to keep in contact?**

**TT: I’ve just been cagey as fuck this whole time.**

**TT: What else do you want from me?**

**GG: Dirk, please.**

**GG: Is it so hard to imagine that I actually liked talking to you?**

**TT: Honestly?**

**TT: Yes.**

**GG: Sigh. Just be on tomorrow for me, alright?**

**GG: I really want to know more about you.**

**TT: ...Fine.**

**TT: I’ll try.**

**GG: Thank you! I’ll see you later then!**

**GG: Hoo hoo hoo! :B**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **ceased pestering** **timaeusTestified [TT]** **at 11:34**


	3. Chapter 3

November 26th, 2420.

I waited for Jane to come online today, and to her credit, she did. I still don’t understand why she’s trying so hard. Second-hand embarrassment, maybe? Either that or she doesn’t want blood on her hands. It’s illogical to think my suicide would be in any way a fault of hers, but that’s how people are. Illogical.

She also keeps telling me I should „relax” a bit. I am relaxed. I’m the most chill person I know. Which, after reading that sentence, I realize doesn’t help my case in any way. It’d be like saying I’m the tallest person I know, because I’m literally the only person whose height I know.

Either way, Jane still wants to talk to me. Somehow. I guess I’ll let her continue, I don’t have much time left anyway.

* * *

November 27th, 2420.

Jane’s been asking some weird questions lately. I’m starting to think there’s more to her that I don’t know. As far as I know there’s no doctors alive in my vicinity. Or police officers. Is she living in some sort of underground city, safe from the apocalypse above? That sounds stupid, but not completely implausible. I might have to ask her.

* * *

November 28th, 2420.

She’s Crocker’s heiress. I guess that explains how she wouldn’t know about the apocalypse. It’s surprising that she's not an alien. Probably adopted then, though I’m not entirely sure why. 

It feels like she’s not telling me the whole story. There must be some ulterior motive to contacting me. What other explanation is there? Is she rebelling against her superiors? Or maybe she wants me as a double spy?

I have to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

November 29th, 2420.

I was wrong. There’s apparently some time anomaly allowing us to contact each other. She said it’s 2006 for her, which is way before it all went down. I don’t think she’d believe me if I told her I’m from the future.

I guess that means she’s being genuine. I still don’t get why.

* * *

November 30th, 2420.

_ I’m crying. _

_ I’m actually fucking crying. _

_ Jane, _

_ I’m so fucking sorry. _

* * *

December 1st, 2420.

I don’t want to die. Jane hasn’t messaged me since last time, and it’s making me nervous. No, I don’t think it’s just that. I’m scared as shit. What the fuck was I thinking? What fucking stupidity possessed me to do that to her?

She doesn’t deserve knowing me. She doesn’t deserve all the bullshit I’ve been putting her through. I just

I don’t want to

I don’t want to hurt her again.

Jane’s my friend. Friends don’t fucking do that to each other.

* * *

December 2nd, 2420.

I should probably explain what happened. I’m writing this very early in the morning, so that once I’m done I can talk to Jane immediately.

During the chat on Nov. 30 Jane brought up my suicide again. She wanted to know what would lead me to think it would be the best option for me. So I told her. I told her about my food deadline, my delusions, my piled up anxieties.

Jane called me a coward in response. She said she couldn’t believe I wouldn’t try to change my situation in any way before going through with my plan. 

Now that I think about it, there was no way she could have understood what my situation is. She lived in a completely different timeframe, in a healthy environment. Of course she wouldn’t know what it’s like.

But at that moment, I was furious, and... I snapped at her. I called her names, insulted her, just acted like an asshole.

She apologized. She was scared because my suicide date was approaching and wanted to stop me in any way she could. But I kept going, like a fucking piece of shit.

I don’t know how I thought it was a good idea, but I

I

I told her I hoped she would kill herself for me if she cared about me so much.

I wanted to take it back, but Jane just advised to think about what I’m doing and left.

I’m...

I’m so sorry, Jane.

I’ll make it up to you, I promise.


	4. Chapter 4

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering** **gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **at 8:16**

**TT: Hey.**

**TT: Are you there, Jane?**

**TT: I just wanted to apologize,**

**TT: For everything.**

**TT: I’m sorry for what I said to you,**

**TT: I was completely out of line, and I’m disappointed in myself for that.**

**TT: I’m sorry for being such a stubborn brat, when all you wanted to do was be my friend.**

**TT: And, I’m especially sorry for worrying you.**

**TT: I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but, if I may be so selfish,**

**TT: Is it still possible to stay friends?**

**GG: ...**

**GG: Dirk...**

**TT: Listen, it’s fine if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore,**

**TT: But I don’t want to lose this.**

**GG: Dirk.**

**TT: I know, I’m probably the worst person you know, and I’ve completely betrayed your trust, but the thought of being all alone again terrifies me.**

**TT: And I genuinely regret everything I’ve done to you.**

**GG: DIRK!**

**TT: ?**

**GG: This is very sudden, and a little bit overwhelming, so could you please shut up for a second?**

**TT: Oh,**

**TT: Sure?**

**GG: Thank you.**

**GG: I won’t lie, our last chat was very upsetting, but I don’t think you were the only one at fault.**

**GG: I pushed too hard, even though I knew your situation was complicated.**

**GG: Even now I don’t know everything that’s happening to you!**

**GG: So, I wanted to apologize too.**

**GG: We both messed up, so we should just move on from that.**

**GG: Is that alright?**

**TT: I,**

**TT: Yes! Of course!**

**GG: There’s just one condition I have.**

**TT: What... is it?**

**GG: Is there still a chance for me to change your mind?**

**GG: I know it’s probably way too late, since today’s the day, but I still don’t want it to happen.**

**GG: So, is it still possible?**

**TT: No,**

**TT: Because I’m not going through with it anymore.**

**GG: DIRK!**

**GG: Oh my goodness.**

**GG: I thought you were going to say you’re still going to do it.**

**GG: I’m so glad I was wrong, but you’re such a jerk!**

**TT: Haha,**

**TT: Sorry.**

**GG: Are you serious though?**

**GG: Did you reconsider?**

**TT: Jane, what kind of hypocrite do you take me for?**

**TT: I just poured out all of my underdeveloped heart to you, talking about how I don’t want to hurt you,**

**TT: And you think I would just go off myself after all that?**

**GG: That’s... a good point!**

**GG: I really don’t know you that well, do I?**

**TT: You’re right, you don’t.**

**TT: We should start over and fix that.**

**GG: Oh?**

**TT: The name’s Dirk Strider. I just turned 11 today, and I’m trying to do my best. Pleased to meet you!**

**GG: Hoo hoo hoo! :B**


End file.
